Looking back on this year, it has been one shitty (excuse my language) 365 days. Anything and everything that can occur in one’s lifetime, happened in the year two-thousand and ten. I’m just going to go on a rant, maybe it will allow me to digest the things that actually happened this year, because to tell you the truth tumblr, I am still in shock. Started off the year hoping that everything that I did in 2009 (aka my school work and college applications) would follow through and work out for me in May. But to save anyone the trouble, they didn’t. Don’t tell me things happen for a reason, because sometimes we don’t even end up knowing the reason. College didn’t work for me, my best friends ended up an hour and some further from me. Why have I jumped all the way to May? Let’s just go back to February. January through March, I kept telling my life, “Damn when the hell is this going to end. I just want to graduate, I hate high school. I want to grow up and go to college”. Let me tell everyone now, do not wish your high school years away, or even your childhood. We are all going to grow up, we really are. Time is not frozen, every second that passes makes us closer to the next chapter in our lives. Guess I learned that the hard way right? When March ended, I decided I would just try to enjoy the last precious times in an environment that I knew like the back of my hand. An environment where I was comfortable with. Where everywhere I looked, left, right, north, south…I knew everybody and every square inch of space. Now? I don’t. I would love to go back and be able to just sit there and talk to the teachers that I go so close to over the years. Now? I can’t seem to do that. Okay off to April, who gives a crap about this month. Let’s go to May, where everything happened. First was college letters, uhh…we have already talked about that. No need to remind me of my stupidity. Prom, not going to lie. It was a good day, even the after party, I wouldn’t change it. It was one last hoorah with the good people. Thirteen days later was graduation, I thought I would cry, but surprisingly…I didn’t. Just like that, with a snap of the fingers, high school was over. Summer two-thousand and ten, how I wish you never happen again. I thought I would go into my summer before college and enjoy it. The first couple weeks I did. I spent every single day in a row for about two weeks with my best friend. Everything was awesome. Everyone seemed closer than ever, but who knew in the next three months, everything would go down hill. During the summer, I fell into a couple panic attacks. It sucked (to say the least) but I guess I have to learn from it. The one person that I care for with all my heart was hurt. Guess that was the tipping of the iceberg right? After that, everything seemed to fall apart. Everybody was going their separate ways. Everyone told each other “omg let’s hang out like now” but nobody kept their word. Guess at that time, that phrase translated into “let’s say we should hang out to show we care, but let’s not really make time for each other”. Yah I believe that was what it stood for. College started for me at the end of August. My birthday was a couple days later. It seemed like everything was falling back into place. I got the greatest text from someone on my birthday. And I don’t think I had ever cried so much. Sometimes I don’t feel as though people truly care for me, but when things like this happen, I say to myself “artemis, shut the hell up and stop thinking that”. You know who you are, I love you with all my heart kiddo. I celebrated my birthday at Disneyland (thank you Andrea) and the beach (the surprise by Chantelle and Minhesh at the end, greatest night of my life). The people that came, God…it was just the greatest group of people. To look back now, it hurts me so much that it was the last time that core would ever be together. I don’t want to sit here and cry, but I truly have to get all this out. It seemed that everything was going to be perfect, everyone left for college, but I knew the important ones would stick together. But I didn’t know that I would lose someone so dear to me. On the eve of the start of college, my friends and I lost someone really close to us to something so damn stupid. Matt, I just want to say…I miss you and I love you so much. I think about you everyday, and how you were taken away without showing the world who you could be. I wish you were here to tell me that everything will be okay, to compliment me the way you always did. I hope I make you proud Matt, I really hope that I do. Look out for everyone for me Matt, just please lead us to the right things in life. I love you best friend, I always will. Smile for me always. I don’t know how to transition from that to now…I just don’t know how to. Currently, I don’t know how I am. I’m alright I guess, but things are happening left and right and I don’t know how to keep up with them. I’m hearing things from people that I don’t want to hear. Am I being lied to by the people that matter most? I don’t know, hopefully not. I guess I learned, that even if my friends make mistakes…it’s not going to make me care any less of them. But I just really hope that they are not lying to me. I love you, always will. Friends…what about family, well same as usual. Everyone knows what happens with families. I just hope everything turns out to be okay, I will try to be optimistic, I’ll try not to break down because I know at the end, it will all be worth it. I need to get my head straight so I could transfer in two years. I need to take care of my mom, my parents. I need to continue believing that my friends love me, that they won’t do anything to hurt me. I have invested to much of my heart in them, I can’t take it back. And I don’t want to take it back because by this point, a couple of my friends own my heart. My day will come I know it. It will, in two years, I’ll move on with my education, I’ll try to move out and experience the world while still keeping true to who I am. Always will be me. And for all of you, especially the couple that read that and know that I am referring to them: keep your head up, be strong. Take your life day by day. Be true to yourself, do not change for anyone. Always know that if everything sucks, it’s not the end. Always overcome everything, always…because at least we are alive and doing the things we do. Be good to your family, be good to your true friends. Don’t dwell on the past people too much. The ones that stick by you, they matter. They will matter forever. Here’s a toast to the end of the shitty year, and here is a toast to a “hopefully” good two-thousand and eleven. Time to continue living, continue having your head up, and continue smiling. You can cry, in fact…you SHOULD cry. But don’t let your tears fog up the vision of the good things that are happening around you. This is another start to the rest of my life. A toast to my mom and my family. Thanks for being my rock mom, thank you. Sorry I am a pain most of the time. A toast to my friends…scratch that, a toast to Chantelle, Esther, Minhesh (thank you for coming back into my life), and a couple of others. I love you guys dearly. I truly do, thank you for everything my sisters. Chantelle, I’m on the phone with you right now, but I don’t want to blurt out I love you out of no where, so I will say it here. Thank you for everything, seriously I don’t know how I can repay you. I may not be certain of a lot of things in my life, but I am very certain that our friendship will last. Nothing will tear us apart, and no one will take your place. I love you. And like you say “fuck it, thug life”.
At least I ended this on a good note right? Once again, stay true to your self world, I know I will. Who ever reads all of this, thank you. It truly means a lot.
I woke up this morning with the teddy bear you gave me. One of the many memories that belong to you. Friendship since 8th grade, but no worries, our friendship is not over, it will last forever. I love you Matt, with all my heart. We have had so many memories, some good, some bad…and I will remember both. The bad and the good, because even during the bad times, in the back of my mind, I knew that you still loved me. I sit here, crying with our friends. Knowing that I can’t spend any other holiday with you, any other laker parade, or even another laugh with you. You helped me through so many things. You were there for me at my darkest times. You helped me get through times that I never knew I would have gotten through. I know you’re smiling down at us right now. You always said that “everything happens for a reason” but Matt, what is the reason now? Why did this happen? Please tell me why…because right now, I am at a loss for words. I went to sleep last night, thinking that when I wake up, it’ll be the morning of prom. Maybe even 8th grade. But I didn’t think I would wake up to this. I’m having trouble believing this. I feel as though I am going to see you this weekend. Matt, I am so glad that we at least left on a good note. People who knew you, knew that you were going to go far in this life, because you knew this world. You knew how to get through this dark world. Even it being dark, you made it bright for so many of your loved ones. I love you so much best friend. Rest in Paradise. I’ll be blasting all your favorite songs, and I hope you dance to them wherever you are. I love you Matt Kwak. And we will all see you later best friend.
P.S. Oh and don’t worry, the lakers will bring that championship home again for you ;)
Min Sung Matt Kwak
8.13.1992 - 9.27.2010
“thank you God i’m leaving behind nothing to regret carrying every memory with me wherever i go” -Matt Kwak
Well, it’s finally here…the Saturday I was waiting for? Nah, not the day I was waiting for, but this day does bring me one day closer to May 28th, which is graduation. My apologizes for repeating “day” so much. I still haven’t found a good synonym for that word. Let’s get back on topic; this Saturday is prom. Ready to rock’n’roll might I say? Yessir. First and foremost I want to thank my Mother for buying me the things that were a little far from her price range. Thanks mom. A thank you to one of my best friends, Alice Kim, for taking her time and planning a great after party for 40+ people; whom half, were nothing but disrespectful. You deserve so much Alice. Thanks to my mom and her, I am probably going to have the best night of my young life. After prom, reality sets in. You figure out who your true friends are, and the ones that need to be left behind. You go through many emotions, some sadness, some relief, and some happiness. I know I will feel a mixture of them. Sad to leave this home behind, sad to not being able to see my best friends everyday, relief of leaving the useless ones behind, happiness for my future, and for graduating high school. Yah, I do say I am happy to be graduating and embarking on a new adventure, but I do know that I will definitely miss high school and the the memories that I have had. I will miss my child hood, but I do know, I will always be a kid at heart, and I can always come back home. These next two weeks will be a big blur. With prom, award luncheons, senior picnics, yearbook parties, finals, graduation, and finally, diploma distribution. It’s crazy, knowing how fast time goes by. Even right now, as I sit here and write this, with every second that goes by, I am getting older. And with every second, I remember the greatest memories with my best friends. But finally, I am worried no more. I know… I know for sure, that I will keep the best friends that I have now. One may go to UC Irvine, one to UC Davis (or UCSB, make your decisions aha), one to USC (or hopefully Hopkins), and one to CSUN. But wherever we all go, you will all be in my heart forever, because no body has made such an impact on my life, the way you guys have. I will meet new and great people in college and in the future, but what I know for sure is that I will never forget you guys. College may be the place where you find your “life long best friends”, but I have to break that tradition, because I have already found mine. I love you guys, the way I love my family, because you guys are my family. And to the people that think I won’t get anywhere, well…just sit there and wait. I know I deserve more, but PCC for a year will do until I transfer somewhere. Hey, maybe I’ll surprise one of my best friends and transfer to UC Irvine, only time will tell. But one more time, mom, I love you. I will work hard for you. To pay you back for everything you have done for me. I keep my promise when I say that I will be successful, rich and that you won’t have to worry about a thing. You will live in a mansion, eat in the best restaurants, and shop in the richest places. I swear to you, I will make that happen for you. Well, this rant was long over-due. One more left. That will be the big one before graduation. The one that I am sure I will be crying as I will be writing. Time to finish this off…
I truly wonder if I would be who I am today if it weren’t for you
Would I be the same?
Would I be different?
Would I be here at all?
I may be clingy, I may be too emotional for your liking, but that’s cause I don’t want to lose you
I hug you, I compliment you, so you can see what everyone sees:
A beautiful, young girl
As you grow old, know I will be by your side
Miles away, miles apart, I’ll always be your best friend
What is a sister?
Someone who is blood?
My definition is someone who knows my life’s story, my life’s song, my dreams, my fears, and my aspirations
You have given me “the gift of a friend”
The undying friendship that I always long for
To me, your the person that I can tell my deepest and darkest secrets too
The one that I will allow to judge me
The one who can make me cry because I know you will clean after my tears
Don’t stop believing in our friendship cause I sure won’t
We may be different, but I haven’t found someone as similar to me as you
You’re the one I cry too
The one I run to in the darkest times
You’re also the one I will have open arms for
Life may be hard, it may be dull
But with you, it’s a dream
I grieve not for the present, nor for my future, but for my past that didn’t include you
I won’t forget you, I can’t forget you, for you are my best friend, but most importantly
You are my sister
A sister I never had.
Blinded
I wake up to the sound of my parents fighting
Fighting about money, fighting about life, fighting about me
I lie down in my bed and think about the gifts of life
And I wonder why people do not see the wonderful things around themselves
Life is too short
We only live once and there is no time to complain
Important things need to be cherished and loved
Because we never know what tomorrow holds
We need to respect and praise for the things we have
And not complain for the things we don’t
We do not want to wake up one day
And regret what we have done or have not done
Esther Bang - Lampy, sigh it is ridiculous as to how much I care about you. I truly do not think you know how much you mean to me. We have been through many many things. And I a very fortunate that you have stuck by me through everything. It’s hard to explain our friendship in a matter of a paragraph, but I surely will give it a try. If I was able to go back to one time in my life, I’d have to pick sixth grade. It was the best year ever, I mean, I did get to meet you on that glorious day of September 4, 2003. And our family pretty much rocked everyone else. Yet at the same time, it was kind of weird being the child of an Asian girl and a Mexican boy. Hope you got that. Esther, I want to thank you for everything that you have done for me. If in any way I can repay you, please tell me how to. I have never had a sister, but I have found out that blood does not make someone family. You are my family. I will do everything in my power to make our friendship last ‘till the end of time. Without you, it would be difficult to live my life out. I love you so much Esther, and I am going to live my life out repaying for everything that you have done for me. I love you baby girl, and I cannot wait for Paris. France should get ready for us because our life is just going to start after high school. Know that you are the best, both beautiful in and out. Thank you for being my best friend. I love you.
Chantelle Truong - Does a day go by where you do not make me smile? Every time I see you, I just feel happy. Guess everything happens for a reason no? One person moves, or make that two, and three others become best friends. I am so lucky to have had you in my life for the last couple of years. All those laughs and smiles would have have happened because you have caused them all. I love you so much little one. I tell you everyday, but I adore you so much. Like no other. I feel no shame in calling you while I am on the toilet. I guess that is true friendship right there. I love you so much baby girl. You have the best personality out there. You know when to be serious with me and when to laugh with me. You know how to make me feel better about myself. It means a lot to me that you have constantly listened to me and now know me like an open book. It’s hard to describe the phone calls we have every night. But they truly keep me going. I know it isn’t the same as the three-way calls, but it is still something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Hopefully we will go to either UCLA together or UCSD, where we can room together and stay up all night talking face to face rather than on a telephone. I love you so much pretty girl. Know that I am call away if you need me for anything. I will be there for you like you have been there for me. I love you best friend.
Darren Chon - Ahh best friend. I love you so dearly. We have been through pretty much everything that you can name. You’re my very own Bubbobear. Without you, it would have been pretty difficult. You have kept me sane during the past years. You know every single aspect of my life, yet you never judge me. I may have hugged you differently or I may have showed you less care during the past year, but please know that I love you so much. You are the one person that I know I can say the stupidest things to you but you will never judge me. I am so comfortable crying in front of you. I feel as though I bottle everything up in me then just let it out when I talk to you. You always are there to listen to my ridiculous problems. You care for me like no one has ever done. There is no way that I can repay you but you know somehow, someway I will. It was you and I that made the trend of talking on the phone late at nights. It was pretty much the icing on the cake that brought us to where we are today. Plus writing this is making me remember the video you and Matt made for me. Aww gosh I want it back now! Darren, you honestly do not know what you have done for me. You constantly apologize to me for nothing giving me the same in return, but truly believe me that you honestly have. I love you so much and know we have so much ahead of us together. Here is a toast to 7th grade English. Love you.
Alice Kim - Pretty lady, my rock, my joy. I love you darlin’. We still have not carved our names into that railing. Probably one of the most important landmarks of my life. That railing should be a national landmark. June 7, 2004 yes? What a day. I should thank Esther for befriending you. Alice no matter what you consider me, I will always consider you one of my best friend. I love you so much. You know every way to make me feel better. I have cried in front of you, broke down in front of you, but you have brought me back up constantly. I love you so much kiddo, you have no idea. I am truly lucky to have met you. I mean, my mom does trust you with all her heart…and so do I. You are going to succeed so much in life. You are the whole package love. Don’t forget me when you become a surgeon. Thank you for trust me with so many things. Know that I will keep everything you have told me with me. Please know that I will always be the shoulder you need to cry one. You can wet my shirt if it means that you will get better. I will always be there for you because I cannot see you sad love. I love when you are happy because your smile lights up my day. I love you so much Alice, and I cannot wait for all the adventures that we are going to have. Love you kiddo.
Matt Kwak - Matt, wow. I can seriously say that you have been like an extra helping hand for me. You have been there for me through so many times. Times I have cried, times I have been angry, and most of all, times I have been happy. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that you would take up all your time just to make sure that I get what I want and just to make sure that I am happy. You always know what to say to me. You may criticize me, but I know you do it for my own good. And I thank you for that. I love you best friend. It truly truly do. I hope I have done enough things to have equaled, or even suppressed, the amount of things that you have done for me. I love you so much. It means a lot that you look after me and prevent me from things that I should not do. You are like and male figure in my life that I know will protect me from everything and anything that can harm me. You are like my shield and I am lucky to have you be my barrier from harms way. It is so refreshing to talk to you on the phone because your advice means a lot to me. Know that I will always be there for you, no matter what. Know that I am very thankful for all that you have done for me and know how much I truly love you.
Jessica Cho - Jess, you are the one person that I can say I have gone through so many things with. We have fought, we have argued, we have cried, but the most important of all of them, we have laughed together. At this point it does not even matter all the heartbreaks that we went through, all that matters is that we ended up forgiving each other for everything and becoming such close friends. I don’t know if you know this by now, but I am truly truly thankful for everything. You keep my on my toes. Your jokes, bluntness, and everything else about you makes you who you are and I would not have it any other way. I love you kiddo. I cannot wait for all the future times where we will be sitting together and eating Swedish Fish. That sounds very good right about now. I love you dearly Jess. I really do and I am very thankful for you and your fight to keep our friendship in tact. Please know that if you ever need anything, I will drop what I am doing and be by your side. Know that I will be a friend to you no matter what happens in the future. Thank you for everything Jess, and I love you so much kid.
Another Happy Birthday for another best friend. Well I am glad now that all of my best friends are seventeen. Well, apart from Esther who is eighteen. Chantelle, happy birthday baby girl. You must know by now how much you truly mean to me. You are my heart and soul. You are the one person that I feel comfortable going to the bathroom and still talking on the phone with. I truly hope you had a good day yesterday. I hope that whatever vibe you got from me did not ruin your day the least bit. I care about you so much that you probably don’t know truly how much it is. You may just shrug it off, but I have never had friends like you guys. So I am honestly sorry if I come off too corny, huggy, or anything else for that matter. But it is my way of showing you how much I care about you. Thank you for being there for me. Always. Constantly. Always know that I will do the same for you. I love you Chantelle. And here is to many more birthdays together. Happy Birthday!
I need to stop being so insecure with myself. I know who I am. I don’t change that for anyone. I am funny and I know that I am a nice person. Yet I find myself being so insecure with the way I look. I worked so hard over the summer just to become comfortable with myself. And I accomplished half way. Because it was only halfway…I decided not to go to my Senior Homecoming. I am so stupid. Why would I let something that dumb hold me from going out with my life-long friends and having fun. Not to be cocky, but I know that I am loved at school. Really loved. People always tell me I’m adorable and cute and what not. But that goes through one year and out the other. I sit alone thinking to myself that I need to stop being so insecure. But I can’t. I promised myself, and to all my friends, that I would go to all the dances during senior year…but I broke my promise. I was selfish. But you know what…that’s it…I am going to work hard to get to my goal once again. It is not going to be difficult because I have already reached it half-way. Prom is going to magnificent. I cannot wait. I want to take this time to apologize to my best friends. I am so sorry you guys. I sit here writing this and crying for you guys. You all mean the world to me. And it doesn’t matter how uncomfortable I am with myself…I should have sucked it up and gone for you guys, but I hope that you all had the time of your lives. But most of all I want to apologize to my mom. She lives for these days in my life. And I don’t give her any memories about them. She has no pictures to look at from my senior homecoming because I didn’t have the guts to go. I’m sorry. I sit here crying because I know that I cannot have this day back. I am so disappointed in myself. But this needs to end…it has too. I will have the time of my life during senior year because it comes once and I can never have it back. One last time…I am so sorry.
Esther Bang, my best friend. Happy Birthday love. I want all your dreams to come true. You deserve the world and so much more. You do not understand what you mean to me. I always tell you that I love you, but you do not understand what you really mean to me. Thank you so much for being there for me through thick and thin. I will spend my whole life trying to repay you. I cannot see and I don’t want to imagine my life without you. I will stick by you forever. You know I will be the shoulder to cry on, like you are to me. I’ll apologize forever more if I have not been the friend that I need to be. Please just know how much I adore and how much you have saved me from hardships. You are my heart and soul, now and forever. You are my best friend, more important, you are my true sister. Happy Birthday Esther, I love you.
I honestly should spend more time writing blogs and saying what I want to say. But these days, or past two months, I have not had anytime to come on here and write a post. But here I am today and I feel as though today will be my last free day for a long time. These next couple of weeks I have to start and finish my college applications, letters of recomendations, and other stuff that I need to get done for college and life in general. Before I forget, I have to talk about my birthday and how much I adore my friends and family. Sepetember 1 was my birthday and my loved ones made it another special day for me. Esther, my life, the cake was awesome and the letter… so heart warming. Thank you bestie. Esther, Chantelle, Darren, hehe the balloons made me fly (corny much). Thank you. Chantelle, my other half, once again you prove that you are so thoughtful in gifts. My Kobe Bryant picture is the best thing ever. Alice Kim, my heart, you know me to well and know my love for shoes. Matt I adore you for making me smile the whole day during my birthday. And to my family, thank you for being there for me and spending another birthday with me. This is not the last birthday, I cannot wait to spend so many more with my best friends and my family. But going back to what I started talking about in the first place: school and senior year. I know and I am sure that this year is going to fly by. Before I know it homecoming will be here, Thanksgiving will come and go, Christmas will pass, Mr. Bulldog Pageant will take place, Powder Puff Football will be dominated, Spring Break will be spectacular, Prom will be magical, College applications will arrive in the mail, Yearbooks will be signed, Grad Night will the night of our lives, Graduation will arrive, tears will stream down eyes, pictures will be taken, promises will be made, friendship will last, and new chapters of lives will begin. I love you class of 2010.
